At what point do I finally say that I Home Educate three of my four sons?
At what point do I change our description in the sidebar of our family?
At what point do I not feel the responsilbilty of David's 'education'?
At what point will I feel reassured that this is the right thing for him?
He gets up just after eight, gets dressed, eats breakfast, brushes his teeth, feeds the rabbit and goes to school.
I pick him up from school at half past three and we drive home. I usually attempt to ask him what he has been doing that day, but I am greeted with a blank, tired look and he says, I don't know, I can't remember. I resist the urge to say, but you must!!!!, and instead prompt him with the little infomation I know about his day. In numeracy? What did you you do for maths today? What about Literacy? Did you do any reading or writing today? And after lunch? Did you practice the play today?
Then, once home (it takes only 5 minutes in the car but virtually impossible to walk) he slopes off to play on the computer or watch something on iPlayer, or goes out to play or round his friends house.
And thats about it. I feed him and read before bed but the contact that I have with him now is minimal. I take him to swimming club and we talk in the car, but essentially I have less than 2 hours contact with him a day.
He seems ok. He seems happy enough. Except on the mornings when he doesn't really want to go, or on the days when I pick him up and he is more deflated than usual. Reasons for the exceptionally low mood is usually one of five options.
1. It is too hot in the classroom.
2. He has a headache.
3. He's fed up of the other boys messing around and not doing as they are told.
4. It's boring.
5. He hates not being able to read and going in to another class for maths.
And then I have the day when he came out and said that he wished he hadn't asked to go back, and didn't want to go tomorrow.
Or the morning that he got knocked over by the dogs and got all muddy and his mood dropped to the floor.
Or the morning when his friend's mum forgot to pick him up, and he was going to be late, and he stood there an ddefiantly said he wasn't going.
Deja vue.
But so far, it hasn't taken much for me to turn it around and remind him that it was his choice to go, and some days he does enjoy it, and he has been given an amazing opportunity by the head teacher in a lovely little school and she really does have his best interests at heart, and it is unlikely that he will get this opportunity again. I tell him that he has to give it his best shot, otherwise he will always be left wondering.
But inside I am in turmoil. Inside I am screaming. Inside I want to tell him what I really think.
But I don't.
He has to work this out for himself.
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14 comments:
Hi Carolyn, haven't seen you for ages, I am still here! Life has been hectic since Stanley came along in February.
I don't get much info out of Jude either about his days in school! It's frustrating but quite normal, whether it's "right" or not is a different matter. We are looking into the Priors School, they are applying for Free School status and we visited yesterday, just wrote about it on my blog, don't know if that's something that might suit D? Very small, friendly school, not clinical like some schools can be, very warm and sort of old-fashioned, like I remember primary school! I'm hoping my 3 younger boys will all get to go there. Take care, X.
It's heartbreaking isn't it? But what sort of parents would we be if we didn't let our kids work through their choices themselves..?
How many times have we resented the decisions that our parents made on our behalf (even though they may well have had far more experience and wisdom than us to make those decisions)
And it is a choice. The wonderful thing is that he knows he doesn't have to be there. And that in itself is empowering.
Hang in there.
Awh bless him, I have been meaning to ask how david was getting on, i thought to ask tom but i would just get a completely useless answer :P
Sounds like he is enjoying it :) however i can see where the boredness is coming from, it is incredibly boring! and i imagine being cooped up in a classroom is harder for him to get used to because he has seen the other option he has, where most children think they HAVE too go to school, i certainly didnt know I had the choice until i met your family. I also know what you mean by the clone mode kind of thing, i know that when i get home i just want to be doing my own thing, there is sometimes too much socialising at school that when you get home you just want too be by yourself, this might just be me :P and i am a bit of an oddball to be honest, who knows eh :)
Hope all is ok with you guys, missing you a fair bit :) xx
Big hugs.
It's possibly early days as far as David's schooling is concerned.
Sounds like a lovely school, though.
Rob's Auntie Rose
(((Hugs)))
I have the same feelings with Craig, our just about to turn 15 year old. He tolerates school, I know he doesn't enjoy it most days. He is 50% of the time late, drags his heels, tired, you know?
But he won't come out of school. He has his friends, soe lessons he enjoys. But every week theres a detention for this, a letter for that, a general apathy.
But it is his choice, one that we try to talk to him about but without success. He clams up and refuses to consider alternatives.
We do what we can and we do what we do. But we can't live their lives for them.
Blessings to you all.
xx
Sorry to add to your confusion but isn't he really telling you that he made a mistake and he doesn't like school?
Danae
http://www.threedegreesoffreedom.blogspot.com
Hi Danae,
Yes, I would agree with that if he said it when he was not tired with a headache at the end of the day, or hadn't been in shock after being knocked over by the dogs and covered in mud, or it wasn't snowing outside, or wasn't upset because his lift had forgotten him. If he said it every day when things were, dare I say, 'normal' then yes I would agree with you.
And if he didn't always have a yearning to go to school and the reason he finds it a strain is because he still struggles with the basics, then maybe yes, too.
But, if I always took his moans when he was tired, upset or nervous completely to heart, then I dread to think how many more mistakes we would have made along our way. He certainly wouldn't have been swimming for the local swimming club now, which he enjoys tremendously!!!
Thank you Becks. Your supportive words are very much appreciated xx
I feel this way about my schooler too. He is 13 about to turn 14 and knows that he could choose not to go but he still goes. Like Becks's son, he gets detentions for not doing homework or being late or not wearing his tie right. he is bored by lots of parts of the day but he has friends who make the days better.
I still ask him what was the best, then what was the worst bit of the day as this is the only way to get an answer that isn't a shrug.
It pains me to know that he is losing more and more of his autonomy the longer he is there and I wonder how this will affect him later in life but ultimately it is his choice and I do what I can not to diss it all the time :(
Hi - I read 'home schooling' blogs with great interest. I teach, in a mainstream comp with 900 children between 11- 16 years. I'm interested in what you think we're all doing 'wrong'. There are things, that in an ideal world, woudl be very different. I admit, we teach/expect compliance. Without it, we couldn't do our jobs.
I find I do a lot of things like taking T's favourite drink in the car with me when I go to pick him up at the end of the day.
We also head over to McD's if he is hungry rather than go straight home.
I do a good line in silence now.
I am more of a helper to him in term time than in the holidays. I am on standby all evening for a chat or food requests.
The emphasis is on H in the day and on T in the evenings basically.
They spend most of the evening together in our kitchen. We all sit there in front of our screens!!
You will know when your boy is settled at his school, until then you will probably be on edge. It took a long time, 4 years really for T and his school to be at peace with each other, but he always stood by his choice to be there. (Apart from some hideous days when I had the deregistration letter all written out).
Frugal life UK:
I can only use my own experience of schooling and those of my friends' children, as my children have never been to school (eldest is now 12).
The main difference I see between secondary age home edded and schooled children children is the level of interest and participation in the learning process - many of my friend's children seem to simply give up and become apathetic at secondary age, disenchanted with learning, feeling very much 'what's the point?'.
I find this less so in home educated children, even those who have followed a curriculum or structured style of HE at home.
Because my son's learning has mostly been child-directed/autonomous, he has a bigger investment in the learning process, and the targets/goals are his, not something that has been set/imposed externally. His motivation is intrinsic, the achievements are entirely owned by him. It does mean that I've had to learn to value the things that he IS learning as much as the things I would WISH him to learn lol.
I don't know if this style of learning can ever truly be accommodated in a school environment with the restrictions of curriculum and government red tape. John Holt initially came up with ideas and philosophies to enable child-led learning within the school system, (I think the book was called 'what shall we do Monday?') but realised that there would always be restrictions in a school setting (his later books reflect this).
However, I think giving children real choice (not the illusion of choice) and the opportunity to own their own learning path (rather than be directed by goals imposed externally) could make a huge difference. We all like to feel valued: perhaps schools need to move towards respecting children as we would adult learners seeking to fulfil their learning needs, rather than as juveniles to be controlled and filled with information that they have not asked for and do not necessarily want.
I think, even as an adult in the workplace, it is very difficult to be enthusiastic about what you do if you feel you have little control or input into the processes or outcomes, if nobody listens to your ideas, or values your interests and skills. Eventually you end up simply doing the bare minimum just to get through the day.
I think by the time children get to secondary age many are suspicious of any apparent freedom of choice, realising from experience that within a school system the choice is always limited by someone in power and usually comes with strings attached :( To undo this changes need to be made right at the start of the education process (and in schools it is a 'process').
Personally my first move would be to delay 'formal education' until at least age 7 like other European countries (in the UK it is the term after 5, though in many cases children are starting school age 4).
Mmm...sorry that was a bit long!
Hi Frugal Life UK, about home education....look at how we adults have dealt with the issue of driving in the snow and ice. No skills taught to us by anyone else. Quite a few helpful hints shared person to person or via the radio. All experience done in real time with our own relatives as passengers. A safety net of the emergency services.
To me the whole process of learning about dealing with snow and ice is an example of autonomous home education in action, just not labelled as such.
Reading, creating and contributing on blogs, as I'm doing now, is something we have all learnt at our own pace for our own particular reasons. That is spontaneous learning, no one told us to do it, apart from perhaps enthusing about it. Lots of people are not interested in blogging and just carry on living without it. That is their choice.
So it's not that unusual, we are all doing it all the time!
Just found you through a search for robin hood wooden doll. I think as parents that homeschool we do what is best for our children. We need to give more reposibility as they age....not take it away. I think you're doing right in giving him space to make this decision ...it IS his decision to make. He should be supported and encouraged to follow through to learn risk and chance is a good thing. After all it helps us grow and discover what we want/appreciate. If after a good month he wishes to return to Homeschooling then...welcome home...but even as adults we whine/complain about getting what we wanted because its harder/scarier /more or less than we wanted. Time and patience is what is needed. You are proving yourself to be a child led homeschooler. I sway bravo. Lovely job parenting.
Honey
www.Mondorfment.blogspot.com
When Mon(tessori) (Wal)dorf (and attach)ment parenting meet in our home.
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