10th post this month, goodness me!

I seem to have spent a lot of time blogging this month. I can't place the reason why. From my usual bank of information, I would deduce that I am feeling contented and happy to share with the world what is going on for us. After all, there has been a lot going on! Horse riding, welding, bike riding, camping, egg incubation, duck hatching, fencing, planting and growing, cooking, walking, reading, lapbooking.....the list is endless. I look at all that we are doing and know that the boys are happy. They are living life and learning from everything that they do or witness going on around them. They ask questions and expect answers, they find out information for themselves and share it with the family. They play together. They help each other...though obviously there is a fair amount of time when thoes last two things simply do NOT happen!!!
So from that it would seem that life is ticking along exactly how it should as an autonomously Home Educated family of four boys.
But on the other hand maybe I am just trying to show myself how good we have it? By looking at my blog it is almost looking at our family from the outside, with impartial eyes. No pre conceived ideas. And it looks good! A full and interesting life had by all!
So why do I feel so unsettled, STILL. We have a large house (all be it untidy and unkempt) and a good sized garden ( enough to grow veggies and keep chickens, with space left for the boys) but still I don't feel right. I feel almost as if I don't belong here, yet we get on well with the neighbours who are like minded as far as chickens and veggies are concerned. Our house needs new windows desperately, one of the french doors in thekitchen is hanging off its hinges!!, flue pipe for the Rayburn, probably a new boiler too really if we were honest. The front garden really needs a hard surface so that the boys can do things out there without getting covered in mud. The back garden needs a section of it turfing from where we took down the conifers and put up a new fence.
But to do these things, I need to feel settled here. The reality is that the house doesn't really work for us....no drive or garage...kind of hard with boys that want to tinker with cars etc and no where to keep the muddy boots etc out of the kitchen. So can I really justify finding the money to do all the things that need doing to make it liveable for the winter when it really isn't the right house for us?
Am I just too fussy? I should really be grateful for the roof over our heads, the lovely little close and village that we live in, our health and living the kind of life that we want to live (well as good as we can get to here). Am I just one of those people who will never be satisfied with what I have? No matter how many blessings I count, I just don't feel right.
A piece of land has come up for sale in a neighbouring village, with stables and paddocks within a stones throw of the canal....my heart leapt when I saw it, but it sank as quick as it had leapt when I thought about the logistics of it all. Couldn't buy a piece of land before selling the house. Can't get enough for the house anymore to pay for the land/boat without having an ENORMOUS loan. Yet still I dream. I long for a little bit of land. I long to live on a boat, yet I know that with four boys it would be virtually impossible without two boats!!!! So why do I torment myself?!!!
I want to live a simple life...we have far too much clutter, but it is all toys and things that the boys play with or use. So it isn't really clutter is it?!
The two eldest boys are off to church for the St Georges Day parade for scouts before going fishing, Rob is at work and that leaves me with the two littlies. A day of quiet puzzles, bricks and maybe the park I think. Maybe a froggy lapbook too.

A couple of veggie pics...

This first one is ofthe veg patch....it seems that my allotment plot isn't going to be available after all so yesterday we fenced off some more space in the garden for me. It started off as just fencing off the existing plot better from the puppy, as the old fence was too easy for him to squeeze through, but then we just decided to put up the new fence further over...Not a particularly pretty garden as we are waiting to puit some turf down on the left hand side, but it is functional, with the chickens down the end along side the shed, getting the early morning sun, and the veg patch getting as much light as possible on the right hand side. The original fence followed the line of the washing line you can see there, and as far as the triangular shaped hen run, which is currently protecting my potao plants as they are coming up. So you can see thatthe new fence which runs along side the path is giving me as much space again!!!! It will also come down as far as the pot you can see in the bottom right hand corner. Almost half the garden now!It isn't quite finished yet, but I can't wait to get out there and dig the new bit over!!

And these are two runner bean plants that Willie and I planted a few weeks ago, that have grown from my saved seeds from last years crop! I am so thrilled, as I thought I had taken them from the plant too soon, but obviously not. Lets hope some more of them grow and then I won't need to get any more seeds from the shop.

I'd like a pretty garden, really I would, but with wanting the chickens and the veg patch, there isn't much space for beauty if the boys are to have somewhere to play. Maybe nextyear we will look at some flowers that are hardy and low maintenace. I have got two honeysuckle plants to grow up the fence, which will certainly bring colour and attract the bees!

The two big boys are off fishing today at the resevoir with the boilies thay made last night, David is playing lego and Will is playing with some binoculars, being an explorer. Sun is shining intermittently despite the forecast for rain, and I am considering a frog lapbook with David....but when they are engrossed, it is wrong to pull them away, is it not. Hmm, so hard to get the timing right with these things.

And why is that when I am in the mood and have created the time for such 'schooly' things, does David (unaware of my intentions) find himself so engrossed in other things? And why does it feel such a big deal to get out the paper and things for the lapbooking/projects.....we seem to have so much stuff but it must be really badly organised or something for it to feel like that surely. Everything is in boxes, like things together. Books on shelves. Pencils and pens all easily accessible. I think it is just having Will that makes it so difficult to get going. Not knowing if he will leave us alone, join in nicely, or justbe co-operative by doing something alongside.

Oh help. Is it just me? I quite like the school at home feeling, as does David, but it is so hard to make it happen sometimes. Because we don't do it all the time, I guess. It doesn't come easily or naturally. Aaaah that must be it.

By the way, I think I just a duckling pipping inside its shell!! They area little late, but nothing in nature is set in stone.....I do hope 1 or 2 hatch outof the six. Fingers crossed everyone!

All by myself........

Well this is what it feels like to live on your own. Wierd. They have all gone off to Cornwall to visit granny leaving me and Louis to fend for ourselves!
I feel strange. Can't really define in what way yet but I'm sure it will come.
The house is very quiet. But still very untidy as if they are here, but muted! I had vowed to have a good tidy up while they are away but the sun is shining this morning so I think I'll be off for a walk very soon.
I have a new (very old, 1960's) knitting machine to play with and I hope to have made a jumper for Will by the time they return, but I'm enjoying my freedom far too much to spend the morning sitting down or tidying.
I so needed a break from the boys...probably more so from William and David as they are the most demanding obviously, as it ios nearly 18 months since the last time I had any time to myself of any length. I don't think a bath counts really does it!
But I wish that Rob and I could have a break together you know. Just a day or two...just to go for a walk and just be together with nothing to get back for or to get up to. I'm not greedy...just one weekend. *sigh* It seems so impossible right now. So unachievable. So far ahead in the distance. I really wasn't ready for another baby, not when I sit and think about why I feel the way that I do. I had only just found Rob, and to have to share him with another whole being so quickly was, is so difficult. We have missed out on time to go out as a couple. Time to do the things that we all love to do. It's as if my life has foreshortened somehow. I have spent far too many years (Will is now 3) feeling this way and powerless it seems to do anything about it.
Balance is the answer I know, but how does one achieve it with no family close or that is interested in helping?
So these next few days, I am looking within. I'm sure everyone thinks I 'll just be lounging around with my feet up, but I have another aim for these quiet days. Mental peace. Something I have not had for a very long time.
Right, off for a walk...the canal I think!