So here I am, feeling miserable and wondering what the hell I am doing it all for. I seem to spend all of my time cooking, cleaning (only surface cleaning though as the real deep down stuff just takes more time than I actually have), tidying, picking things up off the floor, putting people's shoes on the rack (Come on boys...how hard can that be?!!), sorting washing in one state or another, reminding the boys to wash and brush their teeth, tidy their rooms (and not real tidy, its just that I draw the line at dirty clothes, fishing bait, pieces of cut up wood, food remains and cups etc etc) and sweeping up the endless trail of dried mud (well, I guess at least it is dry at the mo) and still I feel as if we live in a complete tip.
How can this be? Whatam I doing wrong?
I feel miserable, underappreciated and down right fed up with the whole thing today. The boys are supposed to be off to Cornwall on Tuesday to visit granny with Rob so I can have a bit of a break away from them all. But you can bet your bottom dollarthat I'll be spending most of it cleaning and tidying and sorting out this pit that we call our house.
Is that going to be a good use of my time? Will I feel better that it is tidy and clean? Or will I just resent their return on Saturday when they destroy all my hard work? I am yet undecided.
Don't get me wrong, generally speaking they are good boys that pitch in and help when asked/pushed/coerced (depending on which boy we speak of) but there are times when it all just gets too much. I have no regular time away from the boys. I seem to always be in th ecompany of atleast one or other of them, and although I consider them to be my friends the majority of the time, we all need space don't we? Is it because I am the only female in an all male environment (even the new puppy is a boy!!) ? Do I expect too much? Am I fighting a losing battle?
Heaven only knows....and does anyone have the answers?
And is what I'm doing for the boys the right thing? And at what expense? My sanity?
I love that the boys spend time making things that they have designed themselves....wooden boxes, rat traps!!, go karts, snorkels for the car, boilies for fishing, stunt bikes....the list is endless. They decide how to spend their time. They can feed themselves. They can entertain each other. They are considerate, polite and well mannered when out and about. They choose to be here at home with me and see their chosen friends as and when they want to. Thay are nice boys (compared to so many others that I see coming out of school etc) but what if it is me that is not ok?
This is a bit of a rant I know, and not in my usual style, but I seem to be hitting this wall fairly regularly. I don't seem to be able to get the balance right for me. I am no good at being selfish, (despite what a certain person said to me about 18 months ago) and putting my needs first. I don't seem to be able to get a break mentally from it all. We have no family close. No one to help with the youngest one, from whom I/we could really do with a break from on a regular basis. But I am not going down the nursery route....pre school...whatever you call it. Been there, done that. Never again.
So how do others manage it? Is it all just because of having another baby when I didn't want one? ( Thanks NHS) Have I really not conquered the mental anguish of being mummy again in this 'new' relationship? Or is it just the HE too much? But would them being at school be any better? I can remember the feeling of peace and tranquility all day and then all hell breaking loose from half three to bedtime. A frenzy of freedom, homework, feeding, bathing etc etc The jostling and fighting for my attention or whatever. Not to mention the awful hassle in the mornings to actually get them there. Ugh. That was the worst. Knowing that you were pushing them to do something that they really did not want to do....something that you never liked doing yourself either.
And with that, I will go and hang the washing out.
I do have HE things that we have been doing to blog about but I think I will do that later, when I can summon some positive thoughts to go with them. After all they deserve positive descriptions not just labels.
Keep your eye on happy!
3 weeks ago
1 comment:
Argh! I think we all feel like this at times. I know I get really fed up when I spend what seems like all day picking up socks and blocks and banana skins and tripping over shoes and the dog and cars.
However, my older boys do have jobs that they are expected to do (like put away the washing up). Not huge amounts, but atleast it's one less thing to do.
But it *does* get to me that the hallway is still partly painted, with a big plastered patch up the stairs (where some plaster fell off and the children carried on picking away at it), that no matter how much I clean the living room carpet it still looks disgusting as they all trail mud over it, etc.
I think it's quite normal to sometimes get fed-up at all of this and I think it's part of parcel of having children (especially 4 children and some of them very little).
Post a Comment